Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice