Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
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Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].