13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Sorry. Not sorry
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Single and childfree like Jesus
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body