Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
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MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
This classic never gets old . . .
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral