[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Tuesday
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.