Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her