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I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.