Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.