Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
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jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
huge if true: the moon
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Important
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”