If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
#growingpains
![]()
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
![]()
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004