If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that