You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Flowers bee like
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse