You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
You Might Also Like
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.