– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
o shit
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Lol.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this