*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I like crazy people until they notice me
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.