Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.


*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.


Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.


What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?


The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.


.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.


I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.


If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions


I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.