Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
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relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Meow?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.