@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

You Might Also Like

@bingowings14

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

@KatWar1

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

@jfrank50

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

@TheTweetOfGod

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

@shutupmikeginn

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

@texasstalkermom

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.