Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
welp
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”