them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”