person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
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At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.