Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
6: are snakes just neck?
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Comparing yourself to others
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.