Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
You Might Also Like
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
finally found a reasonable question
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!