Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*