WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
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Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes