The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
*serious situation*
My brain:
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair