“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
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customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.