Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Very good! 👍😂
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
buying dead houseplants to save time
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy