You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
a lot to unpack here
That’s easy for you to say
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them