I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
You Might Also Like
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine