[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I feel it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you