My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
The Struggle
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.