If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Risking my life for fun.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.