Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I like long walks away from everyone
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.