When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
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Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
hackers play passwordle
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.