<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
You Might Also Like
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what