Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
wtf management?!
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good