[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
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Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
#inspiration #foodforthought