Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes