Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
This is amazing.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?