Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
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another case of gang violins
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
How is it still this week?
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.