Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot