I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?