My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings