No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical