“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
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Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you