They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up