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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Donkey Kong sommelier