*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.