Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
this is me
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[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Nice try, NASA
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every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
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I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.