Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*