I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
That’s amazing.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.