Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.