Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”