ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
ME: Please let me go
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]