I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.